Grad School: The First Month of My Masters Degree

My Masters degree has officially started! Let's talk about how the first month has gone; it's been a doozy.

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Let's start by chatting about the events and perks!

Back in March, before even applying for my degree, I went to an incoming graduate student event called Grad Visit Day. For the event, I had to register online prior to, and a part of the registration was telling them my name, when I graduated, what my faculty was, and what my dietary restrictions were.

Before all the presentations started, they gave me my own alumni lanyard with my name and degree on the badge, as well as a gift which included a sticker of my faculty's mascot, a pen, and a leather bound notebook.

I arrived quite early, my usual, so I sat down and had a chance to take some photos before everyone arrived. Joining me shortly after was one of my professors, a PhD student in our department, and our admin assistant. They were my group for this event as I was the only prospective grad student for our department this year. There were however, many different faculties with many more prospective grad students at this event.

The beginning presentations started once everyone was seated, which introduced those in the graduate studies and postdoctoral affairs department, discussed funding options, and a few other things. After the beginning presentations, we took a break for lunch.

I was expecting a buffet style table with vegan and gluten free listed options, but I wasn't expecting to be able to eat anything - that's usually how it goes. To my surprise, when I told them my name, they handed me a box full of a variety of allergy friendly goodies. I had vegan spring rolls, a quinoa salad, some fruit, a vegan and gluten free chocolate cake, and a Perrier.

Instead of what I thought would be a lunch buffet, they individually catered the event for the prospective grad students who were attending. I felt so special! It honestly reminded me a lot of my experience flying first class on Air Canada. It's the feeling of being accommodated for and treated with importance.

When I think of the undergrad student events I attended, they were volunteer based, and not necessarily centered around the students in the same ways these graduate events are. We would have catering, but it was a big buffet style of catering and it was always generic cuisine like pizza and chips. This grad event was definitely a nice change. It's definitely a nice feeling to be treated this way, but also a separating feeling in terms of hierarchies.

Something else that re-enforced this feeling was the place where the event took place - the Grad Lounge. Essentially, this is a space at the university for only graduate students. Each graduate student, there's about 6000 of us this year, is given key card access to this lounge through their student card. You simply beep your student card on the key fob and the door unlocks.

I know it sounds vain, but I was honestly so excited for this. Back when I was an R.A during my undergrad, I had key card access to the lab through my student card and, honestly, it was such an ego boost.

The first time I used my student card to get into the grad lounge was a few days before the start of classes, and I was so excited that it worked! I did a little squeal of joy when walking in before I realized there were grad students in there working... Definitely a bit awkward, but still a cool experience.

I had a chance to work in there this month and it was lovely. I think I'll definitely be frequenting the lounge more often.

Fast forwards a few months after the Visit Day event - 2 days before my first classes were due to start - I attended a Welcome BBQ for grad students in the Arts Faculty. This BBQ was similar to the Grad Visit Day in that I had to register for this event months prior It was different in the overall atmosphere though.

It was a more cozy BBQ buffet style get-to-together for the Art Faculty's incoming Grad students (students who had received an offer letter). We had grad students from the French department, from classical studies, and of course German. I couldn't eat anything at the BBQ, but my boyfriend, thankfully, got to enjoy all the goodies they had.

We chatted with a few people in the faculty and got to spend some time with the admin assistant again.

They had other events going on that day that were university wide, such as presentations and information sessions, but we opted not to participate in them.

Flash forward once again into the third week of my Masters and there was a PhD Colloquium for one of the PhD Candidates and a luncheon to follow. This was the 2nd colloquium for this candidate and her research focused on the identity of a specific Mennonite colony in Paraguay. It definitely isn't quite where my research is based, but it was fascinating to see the way she connected the material to the ideologies she was discussing.

Colloquiums, so it seems, are big discussion sessions that are meant to challenge your research. For this one, we had professors, other PhD candidates, and Masters students attend the presentation and discussion. We had about an hour and a half in total, but the presentation was only about 30-45 minutes, while the rest was spent discussing what she'd presented. It was interesting to see how these are expected to go as, in my second year, I have to do a Master Colloquium.

During the discussion, my professor asked a question and how this PhD candidate responded helped put some things into perspective for me. My professor and I are reading a research book - I talk more about it further on in this post - and in this book they pose the question "So what?", which is meant to help researchers find ways to make their research matter to their audience. What practical impact does your research have? Something that goes beyond just understanding the topic better.

As someone who is in the very beginning of her research, this question scares me. I haven't quite figured out how to make others interested in what I do, and I'm honestly not that interested in doing that either. I'm happy, for example, writing my blog simply for me. It'd be nice if more people read it, but it's not necessary for me. With research however, it's a tad different. You want your work to matter, to mean something, to have an impact.

When my prof asked her that question, this PhD Candidate, who was doing her 2nd Colloquium - meaning she's pretty far along in the process of her dissertation - struggled to answer this question (this is not a criticism, but rather an observation). It was nice to see that someone so much farther along in the process than me, was struggling with the same things I'm struggling with. It definitely helped me feel less pressure to know what I'm doing right now.

Also, I noticed that each time a question was asked that wasn't quite on topic for this dissertation, the supervising professor would jump in and defend her student, which I loved to see (she may or may not be my supervisor for my Masters research; fingers crossed).

Afterwards, we all went upstairs for the luncheon. Prior to this, our admin had sent me an email to take my order for the event, and I got a gluten free sandwich with "whole turkey, bacon, avocado, sliced tomatoes, mixed greens, and aioli".

At first, with my food fears, I was nervous that it wasn't going to be gluten free, but the moment I touched the bread and it crumbled and stuck my finger, I knew I was safe. That's not say that the bread was poor quality, it's simply how it goes with anything gluten free. I picked off the tomatoes, but otherwise it was really good! They also had a dessert option for me too! There was a gluten free, vegan apple cinnamon muffin and it was delicious!

On this same day, I had our quarterly meeting at work, which wasn't just a meeting this time, but also a celebration for my co-worker's wedding coming up at the beginning of October, so it was a busy day overall. We also had catering, as we usually do, for this meeting, but, given my allergies, I couldn't eat anything here. That doesn't bother me at all though, I'm used to it at this point. My boss is also really accommodating in that, she gave me and my other gluten free, dairy free co-worker a Starbucks gift card instead.

By the end of September, I got, not only a key to the grad rooms specifically for my department (we have 2), but also a key to the building! I was told if I'm ever at the university on the weekend and the building is locked, I can use the key to access it. Getting a key to the grad rooms is amazing, but a key to the whole building is, not only unexpected, but also an other worldly feeling in the best of ways!

I got to check out the grad rooms the following week after getting the key and they're so freaking cool! We have so many perks that are, to me, such a blessing to have. We have a fridge of our own, a microwave, coffee station and kettle, couches, desks, a chalkboard, lockers, etc. It's such a cozy and convenient space to have access to!

As someone who always has tons of bags with me everywhere I go, it's nice to know there's a place on campus where I can leave my things and know they're safe as they're behind a locked door and only a select few people have a key. It's also nice to know that I can bring a proper dinner with me to campus, as I have access to a fridge and a microwave now. I also don't need to buy coffee anymore, I can just make it in the grad room; no more spending money on campus when I don't need to!

The grad room is also where all the grad students in my department go, so it's a great way to get to know the others outside of class time too. On my first visit, I dropped off some mini packages of Haribo gummies as a little gift to the other grad students; who doesn't like candy?

With regards to events and perks, that was it for the month of September (and prior). The perks have definitely been one of the biggest highlights of my first month.

Let's talk the academics!

The beginning of my Masters started out quite flexible. Because I'm the only student enrolled in my degree this year, getting my courses in order was a bit of a feat, even though I was only required to take 2 courses, on top of my T.A.-ing, during my first term. My elective was simple thankfully, but the compulsory course was more of a challenge.

Since all the 2nd year Masters students had taken their compulsory courses already, I would be the only student in this course. Universities, for obvious reasons, typically don't run courses with low enrollment numbers, but since it's a compulsory course, they had to run the course. I didn't know how this was going to look until my first day of classes.

Essentially, the idea is that, throughout the semester, I would meet with the professor in charge of this course once a week to discuss a chapter in the book I need to read - The Craft of Research - as well as make appointments with the professors in the department to discuss their research methodologies.

From what I understand, I'd read some of their research, come up with questions to ask these professors, and then discuss the answers with my main professor. For this first month it was just reading through the book and discussing it though.

I didn't have any information on my T.A.ing until the Welcome BBQ, where I was given a brief explanation of what to expected. I got more flushed out details by the end of September thankfully. It seems I'll be split between 2 courses, doing a total of 140 hours over the next 4 months. One of the courses is a cultures course and the other a literature course. Both are first year asynchronous online courses, so I was expecting to do a lot of grading and writing in online discussion forums instead of active teaching.

Things were a bit back and forth during the first month, but I was able to finally meet with both professors to discuss the details of my duties as a T.A.

I'll be honest, I thought I would do more as a T.A, but I understand why my workload looks the way it does. The university wants us to have experience as a T.A, but also wants us to succeed in our grad studies, so they give, what I call, a lesser workload in teaching duties so you can focus most of your efforts on your studies. I understand the principles behind it, I'm just a happy workaholic who likes to have a lot to do. I'm not too disappointed though as I'm still teaching at the centre.

Regarding workload balance, I got some really good advice from a different professor. Since I am T.A-ing for 2 courses this semester, she recommended that I get a schedule of peak times from professor A, that way I can show that to professor B, so that we can avoid a situation where I'm expected to grade 120 assignments in the same week on top of my normal class work and job outside of the university. The idea is to work out a schedule that works for everyone involved. Really great advice!

In terms of class work, I had so much to do this month, at least in the first few weeks. It's normal, but for the first round of readings, I had to read, collectively, 104 pages in a week and had a group work assignment for an in class co-led discussion. It was a bit of a stressful start.

I think the start was stressful, less so because of the course work, and more so because the university has a few one-time modules that new grad students are expected to complete. These modules includes things like WHISM (and a few others) since as a T.A, I'm an employee at the university, and a module that details what academic integrity looks like as a graduate student.

These extra modules on top of the class work definitely made the initial workload a bit overwhelming at times. I found however, that once the modules were done and the month went on, things became a lot more manageable to the point where I found myself, sometimes, with nothing to do. All my classes are on Thursdays and I'd have all my readings and notes done by Monday usually, so I'd end up with some free time, especially because I haven't started any of my T.A. duties yet.

It makes me wonder if I'm doing some thing wrong, or I've missed something. But then I thought about it and, perhaps, a good way to use this 'extra' time I have is to get a head start on my research. I know I'm still in the very beginning of it all, but I could use this time to check out books on my thesis topic, read through journals, explore the library archives, etc., especially while I still can since I'm still in Canada. So, I'm sure you'll see more library trips over on Instagram.

Back to classes though, I knew all my classes were going to be on Thursdays, which works out to be about 6 hours of back to back lectures. I can't complain though, I did it to myself and I honestly prefer it this way. But because of this, I thought I'd only really need to be on campus once a week. I was wrong. The amount of meetings I've had scheduled each week was definitely unexpected. I'd meet with professors, other grad students, the admin assistant, our library liaison, and so on. I've met so many people this past month, and as an introvert, it's been quite overwhelming at times.

Back to course work though, I was the first one to do a solo facilitated discussion in one of my courses, which stressed me out beyond belief as the topic was relativity hard to understand for me. I would love to say that it went well, but it did not. To say the least, after my presentation, I left feeling quite dejected. I suppose it would be unrealistic to expected my first presentation in grad school to be successful, but there are definitely aspects of grad school that are proving to be harder than I anticipated for a number of reasons.

To change the topic though, I thought I'd share a helpful tip I have for when you have dozens of readings to do. Download Abode Acrobat and use it's read-to-me function. So long as the PDF is in a readable format, you can pop your headphones on and listen to the article(s) while doing other things. I find it helps me stay on top of my workload, both academically and domestically, because I can listen to an article while washing dishes, cooking, doing the laundry, going for a run, shopping, etc. and pausing every so often to make notes. It's been really helpful.

The rest of September was similar with 2-3 articles to read prior to discussing them, more chapters in the research book, and assignments due each week in both classes. As well as meetings, still working at the centre as a teacher and a content creator, and an attempt at a social life. It's been a busy month with lots of overwhelming changes.

The stress I feel for all my school things though, I don't even want to call stress because of the negative connotations it brings. It's stressful in that I have a lot to do and it's really important, but it's also a stress that I wouldn't trade for the world.

This is the exact kind of stress I want to have. I want to struggle to understand, as I call it, fu-fu English in scholarly articles, I want to feel nervous about presentations and group work, to feel the pressure to participate more in class discussions, to feel pushed to get my visa and student housing in order, to feel short on time with moving out of Canada, etc.

This is what I've been dreaming of for years and as much as some of it might be hard right now, I'm going try to enjoy every single second of it, both the good and the stressful.

Let's talk the personal side of things.

This month has been a roller coaster of emotions.

Early in the month, I was hit with a huge wave of imposter syndrome and it wrecked havoc on me. My diet changed, my exercise level changed, my skin started freaking out, I kept having continuous nightmares, I still haven't be able to shake off the exhaustion, etc. Lots of big changes happened and I wasn't handling it with the most grace.

I found myself feeling a lot of the same ways I used to on the last immersion program I did. It's not quite the same scenario since I'm still in Canada and studying in English for now, but the stress I was feeling was very similar.

I was feeling quite sensitive and shy because I was feeling so vulnerable and insecure about my own abilities, both academically and personally. It impacted my work in that, when I'm feeling vulnerable, I tend to pull inwards. I talk less, take less risks, assume the worst more often, etc. It made discussion based courses, group work, and department socials harder than they already are for me. In general, I'm better one-on-one instead of group settings and I'm quite slow to warm up to people, more so when I feel a pressure to perform.

I'm also learning a ton of new information on what it's really like to be a scholar; what's actually all involved in what professors do, and it's been rather overwhelming to discover the caliber of work that's expected. I know it's still early in the program, but I've found myself questioning if this level of work is something I'm actually capable of (which has been rather soul crushing). Maybe not at this stage in the program, but I'm willing to put in the work to get there, it just seems like a really big gap right now.

I also have struggled some with finding my footing. I've had some mixed messages about whether I'm a student or a peer (which was uncomfortably similar to my last immersion program). In your undergrad, it's very clear that you're a student, but grad studies seems to have a much blurrier line. The people I've talk to about this have said it's a normal part of grad studies though; to have this kind of pluralism in identity and expectations. It's definitely been quite confusing for me at times.

I felt very similarly on my last immersion program; this feeling of stupidity and as though I lack what is needed to be part of this group. If I'm really honest, it's been an unbelievably challenging obstacle to navigate this month.

I find myself thinking I need to change, to be different, so that I can succeed in the ways I'm expected to. But then I'm told to take it in a more positive perspective. Maybe I should, instead of being so self critical, give myself the time and grace to adjust to everything that's changed in this past month. Take the pressure off some, and simply allow myself to be, whatever that looks like. If that's bubbly and engaged, great, and if it's quiet and overwhelmed, that's okay too. No one is perfect and we can't always be at our best everyday. Maintaining this perspective, at least for me, is easier said than done however, especially when I'm already in a rough head space.

In 3 months, everything is going to change again and I will likely feel this way all over again and possibly - likely - more intensely as I'll be in a different continent. But like I said earlier, I wouldn't trade any of this for the world. While I don't enjoy feeling this way, it's helping me get closer to the future I want for myself. It might not always feel like it, but it's worth it in the long run. As the one of our signs in the centre says: "You can do hard things".

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There's lot of new and different things happening right now and I'm definitely still working on adjusting to my new reality, but I'm hopeful and excited to see everything that October has to offer.

I already can't wait to tell you all about my first T.A duties, how my courses are progressing, any events I attend, and what changes with my thesis. See ya then!