What's Different This Time? - Moving to Germany

This is what I've been asking myself lately. What's different about this time moving to Germany when compared to the last few times.

If you go back far enough, the answer is easy. When I went to Germany the first time, I was 10 or 11 and it was my parents choice. I had to move, I had to learn German, etc. I had no choice and no kid likes being told they have to do something they don't want to do. This time around, it's my choice and it's something I genuinely want to do.

But you if you back to the last time I was in Germany, about 3 years ago now, I think that's where the answer gets interesting. As you may already know, the last time I was in Germany was when I lived in Kassel for 6 1/2 weeks. I went on an immersion program with a bunch of other Canadians and international students from all over Canada.

Before going on this program, it had been 12 years since I'd been to Germany. I think I went into this program a bit cocky and really blind to many of the struggles that come with going abroad. I never assumed I'd struggle with the language, which I would say on the day-to-day I didn't, so long as it stayed in "Hoch-Deutsch". The moment colloquial-isms appeared however, like "na?", I was completely lost. The feeling of not being able to communicate as an adult, especially one who has been studying German for as long as I have, is a devasting and embarrassing feeling.

What really smacked me upside the head though, was the culture shock. As a kid, I was blissfully unaware of most of this. I knew what it felt like to be a foreigner and be the "other", but I didn't have the awareness to take in cultural differences. As an adult this time however, I did.

I'd say one of the biggest struggles I had, had to do with time management. I am, and was then, a very happy workaholic. My work is my life and I love doing it. In Germany however, at least where I was then, breaks and time off was taken very seriously. Doing homework on the weekends wasn't forbidden or anything, but it wasn't encouraged or looked well upon if I did it. I talk more in depth about this in my article on the program, so I won't go too far into the details of this. Long story short, I felt I couldn't do what I wanted to because of what others thought.

I think I also struggled personally in terms of my host family. I was one of the oldest students on this program at 24, with the youngest being freshly 18. A lot of the students in this case then, needed a family to look after them. They were A1 level speakers, this might have been their first time in Germany, and their first time away from home, and so they needed the support and care of another family.

I, however, by that age had been living alone in my own apartment for 6 years, so it felt uncomfortable a lot of the time to have someone pack my lunch, cook me dinner, etc. I also didn't grow up with sit down dinners, and so the nights where everyone sat at the table together and ate, were hard for me personally. I was also vegetarian then and, if you know me, you know my food allergies definitely didn't help.

Not necessarily Germany related, but an overarching theme for immersion programs like this one, is that it is also so easy to isolate yourself, which is exactly what I did. I don't typically do great in group settings and tend to quiet down and draw inward when I'm stressed or overwhelmed (which is a lot of immersion programs), so I pulled away a lot from those around me.

I also struggled to feel as though I belonged to any specific group because of how my course was structured, but you can hear more about the specifics in my article.

Long story long, I struggled a ton the last time I was there and ended up wanting nothing more than to go back to Canada and never leave again.

I think, out of all the struggles I went through, that one hit me the hardest. By that point in my life, I had been planning on a future in Germany for years. I knew I wanted to move to Germany, study there, live life there, etc. It was my career, my goal, my purpose, the thing I held onto.

When I found myself wanting to go back to Canada, it felt as though my whole world was collapsing; like a dream or fantasy of mine had been crushed by a reality I wasn't expecting. I had never planned on a life in Canada. If I went back and stayed, I didn't know what I was going to do with my life. The major of my BA was in German. I currently hold an Honours BA in German. I literally planned by whole life around this.

Since I started to feel this way about 2 weeks into the 6 1/2 week long program, I ended up feeling super lost and heart broken for the majority of it. I spent most of it in a bad head space, which naturally impacted my overall experience on the program.

I didn't help that when I came back to Canada after those 6 1/2 weeks, me and my partner at the time broke up and one of the things he said to me was that me being lost was really unattractive.

But enough of the drama, this time is very different and let me tell you why.

I am not going on an immersion program for 6 1/2 weeks run by 5 professors, but rather am going for a year as part of my Master degree program, which is jointly offered between 2 university. This means I have the supports of my home university and my German university, not just 5 profs.

I will not be living with a host family, but rather will live alone in my own apartment where I have the finally and only say over what happens in my space; the same privilege I've had in Canada for the last 9 years.

At the risk of sounding like a control freak, I also have a lot more control than I did the last time. I choose my classes, choose where I live, I choose where I go and when, I choose when I work and don't, I choose what I eat and when, etc. Parts of my Masters program will obviously need flexibility on my end, but not so much so that I don't know what I'm doing or what's expected of me. It's my thesis at the end of the day.

I'm not going to Germany as a student in her early twenties still completing her undergraduate studies. I'm going as a woman who is nearly 30, is starting her graduate studies, and has so much more life experience and confidence than she did before.

I'm also not going to Germany for the first time as an adult; this will be my 2nd time as an adult and 4th time overall. I'm also not going to a city I've never been to - Kassel, but rather back to the city I used to live in as a kid - Mannheim.

The last time taught me what life can be like as a foreign adult over there and so I'm going in much less blind and with a more realistic perspective than I had prior. I'm ready for many things to suck and for them to suck for a long while.

I also have to mention, that I have the most amazing German boyfriend who will be there to support me in the ways I need him to and will continue to love and support me if I start to feel lost again.

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Overall, things look a lot better this time than they have the last few times and that gives me the confidence that things will be different.

I've got 122 days left till my move, so wish me luck. I look forward to telling you all this next chapter!